Faithfully Fighting

MRI Day

lynnwv | January 08, 2008 10:05

     Today was MRI day.    I thought I had prepared myself pretty well for the day.  I worked like a dog yesterday at work and got a lot done, plus had 3 meetings that felt very productive.  I picked Katie, my 7 year old, up from mom and dad’s after work, made a good supper and made sure homework was done.  I tried not to think about anything and kept really busy doing laundry, bath time, clean up, etc.  Took Katie to her Dad’s, my ex-husband’s house, so he could put her on the bus in the morning.  Prayed with Pete, my boyfriend of 2 years over the phone.  I went to bed really tired and fell asleep fast.

      At 3:00 a.m. this morning I was awake and afraid.  The dark alone, is a bad time for me.  My busy mind doesn’t like to stop working when I’m ready to rest.  I think I might have gotten an hour or so more sleep.      Katie called me this morning, before I left for the hospital, from her Dad’s house.  She asked me if I wanted to pray with her.  It is common for us to pray together at night, but she’d never asked if we could pray in the morning.  I said ok, thinking she would want me to start, but she took off right away.  “Dear Jesus, please make mommies test go good and make there be no cancer.  She has already been through so much with the cancer before and I want us to be able to do things, so please make her all better and the test to go good.”  Ok, so at this point I had to suck back the huge tears in my eyes and try to finish the conversation without her knowing I was ready to crumble into a weeping ball.  I kissed her off to school with all my love.  My grown daughter (the one who's carrying my first grandchild) text messaged me that she loved me.     

Pete came by this morning at 7:45 to take me to the hospital for the test.   I have to explain that I am not afraid of needles, or closed in spaces, or loud noises.  I am not crazy about new drugs in my body.  So my biggest fear for this test was the “contrast” they would inject into me during the test.  I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous.    10 cc of some mystery liquid that would last 15 minutes was my big fear of the morning.  As they repeatedly went through the litany of questions, two or three times, I would shake my head no.  Then I would get a blank empty stare when I asked if we could do the test without the contrast.  For a moment I thought I had an ape sitting on my head.  They would explain that it was very rare for people to have reactions, yada, yada, yada.  Ok, I get it, it’s an unreasonable, ridiculous fear.  But it’s mine and I’m holding on to it, dagone it!     

The technician was a very nice man.  He asked me if I have anything in my pockets (my top is in a hospital gown, but I got to keep my pants).  I can’t think much so I reach into my pockets to check and I pull out one item.  My Daily Bread Devotional from this morning.  You know how you get those days, when you feel that God is talking directly to you.  Well this morning was “When Life Goes Bad” 1 Samuel 30:1-6.  All about one of David’s most bleakest moments.  The devotion says In what ways can we strengthen, encourage, or refresh ourselves in the Lord when we’re feeling discourage? Remember what God had done and remember what God has promised: Be strong and of good courage;. . . for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” Josh 1:9      I showed the technician the devotion, he said it was paper and I could keep it in my pocket if I wanted to.  I wanted to.     

For the next 30 minutes I listened to loud banging and binging and growling as I laid face down with my boobs hanging through a large rack.  The noise was bigger than huge as I lay as still possible.  Once in a while the tech would talk to me like mission control, “Your half way through, . . . injecting contrast now. . .this is the last round”   Every once in a while, as I felt the panic rise in my throat, I would swallow and think of the paper in my pocket that said Our greatest strength is often shown in our ability to stand still and trust God.   My job today was to lay still and trust.  So much harder than most any other job I’ve ever done.

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