Faithfully Fighting

Ok, another crazy day!!  I was dreading the biopsy on an entirely strange level.  I’m still a little sore from the first one and it was such a bummer.  I drove my jeep (because they are calling for snow today) and as I am backing into a parking space I turn to Pete and say “I really don’t want to do this.”  I quickly notice the nice SUV to my left is pretty close.  “I guess I better concentrate on backing into the parking lot straight first??”  At least I got a chuckle out of Pete.  Then we prayed together so that I would reach for the strength the Lord was handing down to me.  I love praying with Peter, it did calm me.

We are waiting in the main waiting room of the women’s center and the cute little red head technician walk through and cheerfully said  “Ms. Pevarnik are we going to have to get you your own chair in here.” I was, at the moment she spoke up, thinking I was spending entirely too much time in that place! 

They called me back and had me change in my own private room instead of the curtained corner, at the time I didn’t even realize that might have not been a good sign.  I opened the door and the doctor came in.  I thought he was going to go over the procedure with me.  He, very gently, checked my arm that had gone numb on Tues.  It is totally normal now, but it was very kind of him to be so concerned.  He then informed me that they’d gotten my preliminary lab results back and that we didn’t need to go ahead with the biopsy.

At first my heart leapt with joy.  No more cutting!  Quickly my mind came back to the reality that they’d found what they had, literally, been digging for.  Plus he had that compassionate doctor face on that is never reassuring.  You almost want to see the disinterested, distracted face sometimes, even though that’s what most people complain about doctors.

I got him to give me a copy of the lab work so hold on to your hat for the technical stuff:

That was for all you medical lingo folks.  I will have to get most of it translated by the doctor on Monday (do not email me with questions on any of these terms!). 

If any of you from work are reading this, no I’m not coming in.  I will work on stuff I emailed home yesterday, I’m exhausted.  Now I need a nap!  It is snowing like crazy here, beautiful!  J

Today was the biopsy.  I’m pretty wiped out, but thought I’d put down some words.  Pete took me, the sweetheart that he is!  We got there and were informed that they were running a “bit” behind.  That happens with stuff like that, so I wasn’t at all surprised.  After I got called back and changed into my “gown” they put me in the ladies waiting room.  This is a lovely 10 x 10 room with pretty comfortable chairs and tons of magazines, so all the women dressed in their hospital finest can try not to look at each other and pretend we were there to get our hair done or something.

They finally called me into the dark room.  The doctor was nice, told me what he planned to do, and we talked about Ipods for a few moments and got down to work.  Now, it is one thing to have your first procedure (2 years ago), you don’t know what to expect and you kind of go with the flow.  If it’s terrible you assume they are always terrible and everyone hates them.  It is a totally different thing to repeat a procedure.  Especially when the first time was not as bad as you had expected.  This time was worse than I expected by 40%.  I try to look at it philosophically, the area was different, they had to take samples from lots of spots, and they used a different procedure, all factors that can contribute to a different experience.  There were a few mitigating areas I would have liked to change:

• The room was freezing and I trembled the entire 2-1/2 hours
• The nurse kept sneezing into her arm – which made me feel like my open wound was being exposed to germ warfare
• I was facing the ultra sound machine which gave me a full on view of every big fat needle being poked into my body – some people (like my Dad) would find that fascinating, but not me
• My right arm was above my head for 2-1/2 hours – I’m not sure my shoulder will ever be able to bend properly again

The doctor puts his hand on my trembling shoulder (yes, I’m still shaking) and tells me he wants me to make an appointment for Thursday!  If the samples (that didn’t show calcification) don’t come back with anything at the lab we will keep the appointment and I’ll have to HAVE ANOTHER KIND OF BIOPSY THURSDAY.  I suddenly wondered if it was April fools day.  I mean, if the Lord has chosen to heal me, the Lord has chosen to heal me, lets not get carried away!

On the way home my hand and then the entire area under my arm from hand to upper arm starts to tingle.  By the time I’m home I cannot feel the area.  I will not lie.  I began to freak out!  I read the instruction sheet again, no nothing about numb arms.  Pete is calm and patient (what a blessing to me!!!), he suggests I call the number on the sheet.  So I did.  I got put on hold and transferred 4 times.  The entire time I’m wondering if I’m having a stroke or something.  Finally the nice doctor gets on the phone and tells me that sometimes when they numb the lymph node area the medicine can travel up the arm.  It should feel some better by dinner.  I’m thinking PUT IT ON THE SHEET!  That was the most unnerving part of the process (believe it or not).  It’s almost 5:00 and the numbness is much better, kind of like the end of a dentist trip, mostly in the palm of my hand. 

Pray for me if you will.  If the tests come back negative, I have to have another biopsy.  If the tests come back positive, well, you know ten times worse.  Ok, no contest, I’ll take the second biopsy in a heart beat, even with the numb arm (can’t believe I said that!).  God is Good!!!  All the time, no matter which way it flows.

Apparently I am going to be dealing with awake syndrome!  I wasn’t sure how my body would deal with the stress inside me, it usually gets very physical (throwing up, bad colds, funny sweats, etc).  But apparently, so far, I’m going to be waking suddenly in the wee hours of the morning.  I am falling asleep like a baby, exhausted and worn out.  The last two nights I have bolted awake at unreasonably early hours.  Yesterday morning it was 3:30 am and this morning (Saturday) it is 5:30 am.  Now the 5:30 isn’t bad on a week day, but it’s Saturday, for goodness sake.   I can’t even hear any cars outside. 

I guess these will be my moments with God and my writing.  It makes for a pretty tired evening though.  Maybe God thinks we need a little more time alone together.  That’s probably an excellent idea.

I watched Katie sleeping for a little while this morning.  She looks so much like Jessica did when she’s sleeping.  We played Yatzee with Pete last night.  I got to win, for a change!  Katie loves game night.  I think today we are going to go shopping and spend some of those gift cards she got for Christmas!  I love weekends with my girl.

Ok, got my initial diagnosis today.  The cancer is definitely back.  The MRI showed a clear area and possibly/probably lymph node  involvement.  Probably Stage III.  I tried to coax out of her a possibility of stage II, but she really didn’t want to budge.   My surgeon was almost outraged that it came back with such a fury.  She said, twice, that there was nothing there 6 months ago! 

Mom went with me today and she was the bravest woman I know.  I shouldn’t have been surprised, she usually is.  My lovely 74 year old mother, is my rock.

I have a biopsy on Tuesday.  I’m not really sure what that’s about accept to get a lab diagnosis.  Then on the 21^st I see the plastic surgeon and my breast surgeon again, so I will schedule the surgery then.  I’ve decided on a bilateral mastectomy.  I’m hoping they can do a rebuild at the same time, the one where you get the tummy tuck.  I’ll know more when I see the plastic surgeon.

I asked her if I could wait until my grandbaby is born to have my surgery.  She said she wanted to do it as soon as possible.  I saw her face saying this came on fast, we don’t want it to spread.  Probably be really close to the time the baby comes. 

I know I’m not my usual funny, silly self today.  I promise the next message will be better.  I’m just feeling worn out.  Just wanted to post, so people would know what’s going on.

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