Faithfully Fighting

Hello everyone!!  I bet you thought I’d fallen in a hole.  Sorry for the long lapse in writing.  To be perfectly honest, I kind of felt like I’d fallen in a hole.  Just kidding, but it was the week after chemo and I have been trying to gain some sort of rhythm to what is going to be my long term routine and it hasn’t been easy.  I’ve had a bit of pain through the week and I’ve been trying to work as much as possible.  Those two items have left me tired and a bit on the grumpy side.  I actually had written a post earlier in the week, but after reading it I thought I sounded like one of those disgruntled people who no one can make happy.  So I just journaled it and prayed and worked toward an attitude adjustment.  Of course as the aches and stomach pain abated so has my grumpy attitude.  Funny how those two things seem to coincide.  I’ve been working during the day and coming home and climbing in bed by 8:00 every evening.  

I need to work, emotionally and financially.  I’ve also, as of this week, exhausted my FMLA time so now whenever I miss time I’m on the clock.  I won’t go into the technical details, but it just means they have the legal right to watch me now.  Everyone at work is wonderful and I’m sure and been assured that they will never hold me disciplinarily accountable for time missed, but they can if they want to and I want to show them they I will work as much as I am able (I’m my own hardest critic on this – it’s just all so new to me, feeling like a slacker).  I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m tired, and it ain’t always easy trying to keep a semi-normal schedule anymore.

Today one of Katie’s friends is having a birthday party.  It’s a mother daughter tea.  Honestly, I kind of wish I could just drop her off for a couple of hours, but I’m sure it will be fun for both of us.  I’m going to let her know on the way there that I’ve got about 2 hours of party in me (especially if it’s an outside in the heat thing) and then we’re on our way home.  Next Saturday Katie and I have ice cream pedicures scheduled.  My wonderful Sunday School class gave me a gift certificate to a local day spa for my birthday and when I saw it on their service list I thought it would be fun for the two of us.  I think eight years old is the perfect age to get your first professional pedicure!!  It may spoil her for life, but there a few things a mom has the right to do and introducing your daughter to one of life’s true luxurious moments is one!

I have been honored by a dear friend today.  She is walking in the relay for life and I am one of the people she is walking in honor of.  I wish I’d let you know earlier, but I’ve got the opportunity to make up for it.  Pete’s niece, Jeanne, is walking next week in the Susan B. Koman Race for the Cure in Washington DC in honor of me.  I get really emotional when people do stuff like that.  What an honor to be on their hearts when they are climbing hills and working hard.  I wish I was the one walking, maybe next year!  The link to her sponsor site is https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=263218&lis=1&kntae263218=629947B633F04F7698811BCF8D46EF18&supId=132338236

If you’d like to sponsor her or just check it out!!

I went to the doctors yesterday and I’ve got a little cellulitis starting on the left side.  It’s not bad, as a matter of a fact my counts were low (but on their way back up) and the PA wasn’t sure he wanted to give me some antibiotics (he wasn’t sure that little red glow was cellulites).  But I talked him into it because I didn’t want a repeat of the last infection, I wanted to chase this one away in the beginning (and I was pretty sure that’s what it was-sometimes it’s hard to tell the chemo pain from other stuff).  My mediport wouldn’t give up any blood for my blood work.  That was a pain!!  They ended up drawing blood the old fashion way (I’ve really gotten spoiled with the mediport).  Then they put some medicine in the port and let it sit for 30 minutes.  They said sometimes a little flap goes down over the opening into the vein.  It lets stuff go in (like IV and fluids) but you can’t suck the blood back through.  The medicine was supposed to dissolve the little flap that develops.  Sure enough, 30 minutes latter, they got blood flow.  I was really glad about that! 

Love you guys, sorry for the long delay, but you can see I’m just plugging at it.  Pretty boring stuff.  Boring is good.  Don’t forget I have my CT Scan next Friday, June 6^th.  We’ll see how those rascally cancer met spots are doing on my liver.  Keep praying!! 

God Bless you,

Lynn

Well, I’m happy to say life has been a little boring lately.  We made it through the dance recital happily.  Katie did a good job and seemed to have a good time.  She did seem to be very relieved to be done on Sunday afternoon, though.  On Monday morning I woke with a good cold.  I honestly tried to avoid any runny nose ballerinas over the weekend, but apparently picked up the cold somewhere.  It dragged my energy down quite a bit, like I needed any extra help with that!

On Thursday I was scheduled for treatment.  I had called on Tuesday and asked if they still wanted me to come in with my cold.  I wasn’t sure what the standard was for that, I didn’t want to expose any other patients to my stuffy head.  They told me to come on in and see the doctor.  As usual, I had blood work taken first and then they shuffled me up to the doctor area.  I had snuck a glance at the blood work results before handing them off to the nurse I did notice that the first acronym was highlighted and marked HI!!.  As my doctor strolls in, good mood and all, he says “Well no treatment today!”   I believe my white blood cell count was a bit high (probably a sinus infection-I’m good for those).  He put me on antibiotics and rescheduled chemo for next week.  We talked a bit, going over the last side effects I had, and he just nodded and smiled.  I also asked him how long my chemo regiment would go on (I had neglected to find out when we changed to the taxotere).  He gave me an answer that was full of mixed messages, “as long as it works”.  I asked if there would be any breaks in chemo, and watched as he seemed to tap dance around the answer with more skill than any of the Katie’s troupe had over the weekend.    He said that we measure the “response”(he didn’t like the word “remission” that I used) as we go and make decisions based on that response.  I’m pretty sure he has a plan (he is very thoughtful, but only gives me info that he thinks I can handle) and isn’t just winging it as we go.  He also scheduled me for my next CT scan, June 6.  He said he would be pleased if the spots on my liver were the same or smaller.  I would be pleased if they would be gone, but I suppose 3 treatments aren’t really enough to hope for that (but anything is possible with the Lord!).

The remainder of the day turned out to be quite nice.  Pete and I rambled about town, stopping at a furniture store to window shop, getting a Rita’s Italian Ice, going to the farmers market to get some fresh herb plants.  It was a beautiful day and it felt lovely not to be dealing with the usual treatment stuff.  I had been a little upset that my schedule was getting messed up, but by the time we got home about 2:30 I had truly enjoyed the day.  I also headed off to work the next day for 6 hours (which I wouldn’t have made if I’d had treatment).  Four weeks without chemo kind of spoils a girl (even if the sinus infection is annoying). 

Perspective is an amazing thing.  How we view steps in our lives seems, to me, to be directly related to what is happening in our universe at that moment. 

 For the past month or better I’ve had a persistent nagging pain in my lower right back.  I mentioned it to my oncologist when I saw him the last time.  He said it was near my lower ribs and would he like an x-ray to make sure I didn’t have a mestastic spot on my rib or back (not an unusual place for one to be).  I immediately said no, because I didn’t think I could deal with another area of cancer.  I mean, not knowing is sometimes more comforting than stepping up.  Of course, it’s not always the best course.  After my last chemo treatment the pain was very severe for a couple of days.  Then I had trouble not thinking about the possibility of it being a spot of cancer.  That totally defeated the denial/avoidance route.  The doctor had said if it was on the bone we could do radiation in that area.  When I realized that I was spending more time thinking about the pain and what it was I knew I needed to get it checked out.  Last Tuesday I called and asked for the order to get the x-ray.  I went from work over to the hospital and had it done.

Thursday I called, because I hadn’t heard anything from them.  My doctor is usually pretty good about giving me a call.  I tried to convince myself that no news was good news, but I just wanted to know.  His nurse called me and said they didn’t have the records for the x-ray (that’s why he hadn’t called).  She investigated it and called me back when I was driving Katie to ballet rehearsal.  She said there were some spurs on my ribs, and that there was a thinning area around the bottom of my spine.  It indicated probable areas of arthritis.  I started shouting hurray!!  I told her generally I wouldn’t be excited about arthritis, but in this case I was just so happy it wasn’t a cancer met I didn’t care.  She laughed and understood completely.  We discussed some pain medication and then we were done.  I was ridiculously relieved!!  Ok, ok, I know the arthritis won’t be fun as it gets worse, I am in no way saying that people with arthritis don’t have a lot to deal with, but at that moment it felt like it was a good answer. 

Thank you Lord, for answering this prayer for me.  For your hand in everything in my life.  What a great blessing today.

This weekend is dance recital weekend for Katie.  I am trying to rest at every opportunity, because this is usually an exhausting weekend.  I haven't been staying at rehersals, just dropping her off and her Dad has been picking her up.  Katie is learning a great lesson in independence, I hope (those of you who know Katie, know that independence is not a word usually associated with her wonderful loving spirit).  The other mothers and grandmothers at dance are so wonderful to help her and keep and eye on things.  Tonight I take her at 5:00 pm and we will be there until the performance is over (probably around 9:30).  I've been resting all morning.  We have to be back at 12:00 tomorrow for the second performance.  This used to be great fun for me, but it is a little daunting this year.  It seems like such a small thing, but for me it can be a mountain of energy.  I praise the Lord for His strength to give my girl this time.

Love, Lynn

It’s been an interesting week.  Well, maybe not that interesting, but eventful.  After all the excitement of Sunday night and Monday I awoke Tuesday morning at 2:30 a.m. to severe pain.  I guess the steroids had worn off and the chemo had kicked in.  So on a day I had expected to head to work I was pretty much bed ridden (or couch stuck) with muscle cramps all over my body.  I was selfishly angry, because I’d thought I missed the bad side effects and was sailing through, but they just delayed a few days longer than I thought.  So, I’m ashamed to say, I sat home feeling sorry for myself. 

I was able to get to work Thursday and Friday 1/2 days.  We also had a small birthday party for Katie last night.  It was lots of fun and I was worn out so got a GREAT nights sleep. 

This morning has been beautiful.  I don’t know how to explain it because the same thing happened after my first chemo treatment.  When I woke this morning (I’ve always woken up way too early around 6:30 this morning), hearing the birds singing outside, and seeing just a touch of sun coming in, I felt joyful.  I’m just a little achy, but it is as if a cloud lifts off me shouting “Hey look at me!!  I’m alive and stronger and I can do this!!”   I’ve spent the morning making breakfast for Katie and me, and sitting on the back deck with a cup of tea and a good book (I did start some laundry too).  I’ve been enjoying the quiet morning and feeling great joy at just taking it all in.  I’ve let Katie lounge around in her PJs until now (almost 9:30 a.m.).  She has a 3 hour rehearsal for her dance recital this afternoon, so I’m letting her goof off this morning before we have to pull her into those tights and bun. 

You remember them right, the Saturday mornings, with nothing to do but celebrate nothing to do.  Read the paper, have a second cup of coffee, think about the days duties (gardening, garage cleaning, etc), enjoy a big breakfast, or just enjoy the company of your family.  These are the moments I get the most pleasure from anymore.  It’s as if the pain and trial of treatments make these mundane moments so much more precious.

I know I’m going on and on about nothing, but it seems really important to my heart.  Have a WONDERFUL Saturday and a wonderful week!!

p.s.  I changed some of the pictures on the picture link download.  Some cute ones of Katie and Ella.

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