Faithfully Fighting

It’s been an interesting week.  Well, maybe not that interesting, but eventful.  After all the excitement of Sunday night and Monday I awoke Tuesday morning at 2:30 a.m. to severe pain.  I guess the steroids had worn off and the chemo had kicked in.  So on a day I had expected to head to work I was pretty much bed ridden (or couch stuck) with muscle cramps all over my body.  I was selfishly angry, because I’d thought I missed the bad side effects and was sailing through, but they just delayed a few days longer than I thought.  So, I’m ashamed to say, I sat home feeling sorry for myself. 

I was able to get to work Thursday and Friday 1/2 days.  We also had a small birthday party for Katie last night.  It was lots of fun and I was worn out so got a GREAT nights sleep. 

This morning has been beautiful.  I don’t know how to explain it because the same thing happened after my first chemo treatment.  When I woke this morning (I’ve always woken up way too early around 6:30 this morning), hearing the birds singing outside, and seeing just a touch of sun coming in, I felt joyful.  I’m just a little achy, but it is as if a cloud lifts off me shouting “Hey look at me!!  I’m alive and stronger and I can do this!!”   I’ve spent the morning making breakfast for Katie and me, and sitting on the back deck with a cup of tea and a good book (I did start some laundry too).  I’ve been enjoying the quiet morning and feeling great joy at just taking it all in.  I’ve let Katie lounge around in her PJs until now (almost 9:30 a.m.).  She has a 3 hour rehearsal for her dance recital this afternoon, so I’m letting her goof off this morning before we have to pull her into those tights and bun. 

You remember them right, the Saturday mornings, with nothing to do but celebrate nothing to do.  Read the paper, have a second cup of coffee, think about the days duties (gardening, garage cleaning, etc), enjoy a big breakfast, or just enjoy the company of your family.  These are the moments I get the most pleasure from anymore.  It’s as if the pain and trial of treatments make these mundane moments so much more precious.

I know I’m going on and on about nothing, but it seems really important to my heart.  Have a WONDERFUL Saturday and a wonderful week!!

p.s.  I changed some of the pictures on the picture link download.  Some cute ones of Katie and Ella.

Tonight (4/27), Peter Senesi asked me to be his wife.  He said he had an early birthday present for me.  I opened a beautiful card with the most lovely words of love.  Then I opened the bag and he had brought a lovely purse in it. He gave me a purse last year, and although I love new pocket books I was a little surprised.  But as I looked into the purse I saw a small rectangular box wrapped in a golden gauze bag.

He was watching me a closely.  He watched as my hands shook and I pulled the box from the gold bag.  As I started to open the dark blue velvet box Pete dropped to one knee beside me on the couch.  I couldn’t see too clearly at this time.  My eyes had filled with huge tears.  As I looked into the box Pete asked me to be his wife.  I was staring at the most lovely ring I had ever seen and the man I love was holding my hand and looking at me like I was the most cherished thing in his life.  I said yes, of course.

But in my mind I am wondering, what is he thinking?  I am weak, I am barely a whole woman, why would he want to face this battle of mine voluntarily.  And yet, he already has.  He has stepped up in every way from the beginning of this. He has prayed with me and for me.  He should be running away (heaven knows I've given him enough opportunity), but he just continues to step forward, holding me up, and treating me as if I am a gift to him. 

Over and over again, God’s blessings are insurmountable.  I cannot express the joy in my heart at this moment. It will be beyond all honor for me to be Mrs. Peter Senesi.

I’m not sure why I choose this verse, except Paul was dealing with some pretty tough areas of contention and contradiction when he wrote it and right now Pete and I will have to continue to face some hard traveling.  Some folks probably think we are crazy, but we see the Lord in it, probably clearer than every before.

It’s 4:00 am again.  I fell asleep well, listening to the rain again, but woke up too early.  I’ve been tinkering with things and thought I’d better share my latest chemo treatment so folks wouldn’t wonder.

It’s a huge praise!!  Everything went perfectly and I’ve been blessed, thank you so much for your prayers.  I took my premeds of steroids, went to treatment, got more premeds of Benedryl, steroids, anti-nausea, and went to sleep while they gave me the Herceptin and the Taxotere (making up for the steroids keeping me up the night before).  There was no immediate reactions to the chemo this time, praise God.  That was Friday and today is, very early, Sunday. 

I was really tired yesterday, but rested most of the day so that I could go to the Mother Daughter Dinner at Jessica’s church.  Mom, me, and Katie met Jessica and Ella at the church for a lovely dinner and message.  Four generations of ladies celebrating mothers.  It was wonderful.  It was definitely worth spending the afternoon on the couch.  I started to drag toward the end of the evening, but it was winding down so we left.  It was hard for me to believe that I had just had treatment the day before.  Of course I was still taking my post med steroids.

This morning I’m a little sluggish.  My stomach isn’t terrible, but I can tell it’s going to require a little tender care today.  I would like to go to church, but I’ll see how I am in about four hours.  I’ll try to crawl back into bed for a little more sleep.

I’m actually feeling emotionally charged up.  I know I’ve got 3 weeks before my next treatment and I’m overly optimistic that it won’t get any worse than this.  My biggest concern is in a week from now, when my white blood cells are at their weakest, that the infection returns.  But I am praying the Lord will take that worry out of my heart and just deal each with issue as they happen.  He is always Faithful!

I’ll write again soon.  Tomorrow is my birthday, and I just want to say that it is a great honor to have another birthday.  I will never complain about getting older again.  I want to be one of those lovely older ladies who proudly state their age as the grand accomplishment that it is.  Ok, I’m not shouting my age, yet, but I am happy to have this day.  God Bless all of you!

Today is the day before treatment and I don’t usually blog, but I did something really crazy today and my friend thought it would be a funny story to blog.

I’m proud to say I worked 3 days this week.  It was terrific!  I even got a couple new project.  My boss is wonderful.  His supervisor told me this week that he really likes my work!  I have no idea how that can be possible, because I found out about the cancer two weeks after he started and I don’t think I’ve pulled a full week for him since then.  I really like the way he works though, we seem to think the same way.

Anyway, to the crazy stuff.  I stayed home today because I was starting a new pre-drug, some steroids, before my treatment tomorrow.  I didn’t want to take the medication and then get to work and be strange or feel bad.  Plus, I’m ashamed to say, I was wiped out after three good days of work.  I cleaned the house and did laundry this morning (my usual before treatment ritual).  I had a prescription to pick up so I went to the pharmacy drive thru and then decided to go to the Dollar Tree next door and get some bathroom tissue.  This is where it gets strange.  As some of you know I’m not a “high end” shopper.  Generally single moms do not shop at Macy’s on a regular basis. But I usually do not use the Dollar Tree as my clothing department store.  Not that’s there anything wrong with that, but generally I’m a Target, Kohls sometimes Walmart kind of girl.  You can probably see where this is going, I wandered over to the racks of cloths as I picked up a Hannah Montana head band for Katie’s birthday grab bag and some other hair stuff (She’ll be 8 on May 1).  Then I saw the cutest little tops. Katie can always use summer tops and I’d just gotten her some skwarts from Lands End and these would go great.  So I picked up a couple.  Then there were these pink capris I liked and a couple of tops for me.  Got the bathroom papers and picked up a couple more things.  Now I’m getting a little tired and feeling my head pounding, so I head for the register.  I quickly realized that was a good decision.   This is the embarrassing part.  The clerk said $68.  Now I know I didn’t pick up anything over the price of $7.99.  Obviously I picked up several more items than I originally planned otherwise I would have walked out of there with a pack of tissues and about $60 richer.  I know what your thinking, because I was thinking the same thing, “How could she spend $68 at the Dollar Tree?”  Apparently steroids and discount stores do not mix well!

Pete and I were talking over dinner tonight (he brought me Chinese, yum).  I was telling him how many people so generously tell me they admire how well I’m doing.  What a good attitude I have, some even have said I am their “hero”.  Many of these people have obviously not read my dark blogs and believe me I assure them I have my moments.  But I have to admit that generally my attitude is evolving by the strength and power of the Lord.  I’d like to think I’ve mostly been an optimistic person through my life, but the longer I deal with my diagnosis I find that each day is a bigger and bigger blessing from the Lord.  The days I get to work feel like gifts, when Katie and I have fun it is great joy, when I get to see Jessie and hold Ella my heart sings, when I get to church to worship the day is whole, and when Pete and I get to have a meal together and smile my day is complete.  Even Spring rains sound like symphonies and the trees in bloom could not be prettier this year, could they?   I guess what I’m trying to say is when I wake in the morning I think “What a blessing from the Lord this day is!”  Paul said in 1Timothy 1:14 The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. That’s how I feel, like the Lord’s grace is raining on me, everyday. 

For years I have reached out to Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  I’m still working on it, trust me, but I’m glimpsing God’s peace, finally.  But along with that I see joy, in everything!

God Bless

Lynn

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