Faithfully Fighting

I’ve hit a little snag, again.  Seems like every time I have chemo something happens that throws my system and my systemic system off.  Thursday’s chemo did pretty well through Friday and Saturday.  I was feeling a little off on Sat night so I took a phenergan pill for my stomach.  It was only the 2^nd time I’d taken it and it knocked me out.  Poor Pete and I were sitting on the couch watching TV and the next thing I knew he was shaking my shoulder and telling me he was heading home.  I just nodded, dopily, as he left.

On Sunday I woke pretty drowsy and not feeling well at all.  Soon after breakfast I was having severe stomach pain.  It was debilitating and Mom came over to help me out. I spent the day with a heating pad and sipping water. When I get sick I have a great deal of trouble distinguishing when I should call the oncologists.  They never complain, and are always very sweet, but I hate to bother them if it’s just “chemo side effects” that will go away.  I did call on Sunday and let the PA on call know what was going on, she said to take a pain pill and Maalox and call if it didn’t improve.  It was much more severe than before, but I thought it was my 4^th treatment and maybe I had just over done on Friday and Sat.  I monitored my temperature and seemed to feel better (not good) but better, by the evening.  On Monday it was still bad, but better than Sunday, until the afternoon.  As the afternoon and evening came on my temperature started to rise.  Surprisingly the pain was less, but the temperature started creeping up and up.  We chemo patients have strict written instructions that if our temperature goes to 100.5 (one hundred point five) or higher we are supposed to call.  My old oral thermometer started registering 100.1, 100.2, then I started drinking cold water, taking Tylenol, putting cold wash cloths on my head with the fan blowing on me.  I just didn’t want to call again.  The highest it went was 100.3.  I went to bed about 9:30 pm and rested well until 11:30 pm when I was woken, abruptly, by shooting pain in my stomach through to my back.  It was bad.  I called immediately. 

I made it to the next morning by taking some Vicadin and Ativan.  At 9:00 am Tuesday Pete was driving me to the oncology center (the one thing I was trying desperately to avoid).  When I got there my temperature was 100.4 (I had checked it with my old thermometer before we left and it had been 99.5 – wonder how much it had been the night before??).  They took blood (my counts were good), they gave me IV fluids and did some other tests.  I was sore and very, very tired.  I looked awful and they aren’t used to that.  With the exception of the bad cellulites I had back in March I had never been in there without my makeup, earrings, and a big smile.  Tuesday I couldn’t even muster much of a smile.  In walks the nurse practioner who is one of the kindest people I have every met.  He always makes you feel like you are the most important person he has talked to all day.  He came in on Tuesday with a young woman who he introduced as a student.  He asked if she could stay for the examination.  I’m ashamed to say my first instinct was no.  I’m going to try to explain, but I’m afraid it will sound lame.  She was lovely, really, really, model, miss America lovely.  She was tall, blonde, perfect make-up, quietly elegantly lovely.  I was about to talk about stomach issues that I wouldn’t talk to my own daughter about (who might be older than her) plus, I will admit, I resented her loveliness.  I know it’s not fair, she had a kind gentle smile, she didn’t speak, but I did not want that pretty little girl in my room.  I was feeling crippled and ugly and I’m ashamed to say I resented her.  I tried to change my mind into a motherly mind set and plowed forward.  I even said a little prayer of forgiveness in my head asking the Lord to guide my thoughts to Him and to set and example of Him.  So I said yes to the NP that she could stay.

I was glad I hadn’t gone in to the oncology center on Monday because I  appeared sick enough Tuesday that they considered admitting me to the hospital for IV antibiotics and if he’d seen me on Monday morning I would have not won my argument to go home.  As it was, the test came back good enough that he did allow me to go home with my antibiotics.  I’m glad the blood work was good!!  I also have strict instructions that if my temperature goes above 100 after the next 24 hours I have to call them.  They said I have a kidney infection.  I’ve never had one before, now I have GREAT sympathy for everyone that’s ever had one.  I hate that every time I have chemo I seem to get some kind of infection. 

I also hate that when I’m at my worst that is when I neglect my prayer relationship with the Lord.   I finally took some time yesterday morning to look at that issue and spent some time on my knees.  I’m doing better.  Resting and trying to regain my footing.  I hate my weakness, but I’m sure I can learn a lot from the humbleness of it.

Thanks for the prayers.

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